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9-27-01 It occurred to me to feel compassion for our fellow citizens who suffer without benefit of deity, whilst all around them have been God Blessing America up and down the block. As the grandson of two preachers, I have taken some measure of comfort in spiritual reflection in darkest hour. But heathen-Americans, such as the excellent illusionist and intellectual infidel Penn Jillette, have written me in recent days to point out that waging war on terrorism might be a fine place for the separation of church and state to click in, because the righteous are ready to rumble, proclaiming: “my Transcendental Essence can whip your Infinite Spirit’s hallowed heinie.” History recalls when Christian Crusaders went medieval on Moslems, and that religion sanctified blood spilled between Christian and Aztec; Sikh and Hindu; Shiite and Bahai; Protestant and Catholic; Lord Vader and Obi-Wan. Muslims are not sanguinary by nature, as the traditional Islamic greeting, “Salaam,” means peace, and making a Salaam is to offer a salutation of peace and a wish for protection from evil from the Salaam-er to the Salaam-ee. Which reminds me of a cartoon which appeared regularly on Popeye Theater on the Saturday mornings of my boyhood, in which Popeye is Ali Baba and the magic door to the cave of the treasures of the 40 thieves opens with his chant, “Open, sez me!” And in the course of his trespass into the cave of the Arab bandits, to the traditional Islamic salutation, Popeye replies, “Salami, salami, baloney,” which is an artifact of ethnic humor dating from the period when Arabs were funny. This period began in the 1930s and was already in decline when the Three Stooges filmed, Malice in the Palace, an inferior Shemp vehicle in which the boys undertake to recover the 100 carat diamond stolen from the tomb of Rooten-tooten. In the opening scene, we find Arabs meeting conspiratorially in the Café Casbahbah, where a turbaned bearded man asks, “I wonder what delays Affa-Dolla?” To which a sinister mustachioed fellow brandishing a dagger replies, “Fear not. Affa-Dolla will get the map by hook or crook, most illustrious Hassen-ben-Sober,” the humor of which would presumably be lost on teetotalling Muslims. Not to suggest that Muslims have no sense of humor. To the contrary, a legendary comic figure of Islam is Mullah Nasruddin, whose jokes are especially popular with Afghans. Mullah Nasruddin jokes make some point as an aide to enlightenment, like the one where Mullah Nasruddin encounters a beggar outside the mosque, and questions him. “Are you extravagant?” “Yes, Nasruddin,” replies the beggar. “Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?” “Yes, Nasruddin.” “I suppose you go to the baths every day?” “Yes, Nasruddin.” “And amuse yourself drinking with friends?” “Yes, Nasruddin,” whereupon Nasruddin gives the beggar a gold coin. Another beggar some distance further has overheard this exchange, and, when Nasruddin confronts him with the same questions, he replies “No” to each question, assuring the Mullah he wishes only to live meagerly and to pray, whereupon Mullah Nasruddin gives him a small copper coin. The offended beggar cries, “Why do you give me, an economical and pious man, a penny, when you gave that extravagant fellow a gold piece?” “Ah, my friend,” replies Nasruddin, “his needs are greater than yours.” Which kills in Kabul, and which, had it been adapted for Larry, Curly, and Moe, would likely have been entitled, Mullah with the Moolah. Anyhow, as I was saying; the enemy having declared a holy war, let us not be drawn into conscripting Jehovah into Special Forces. One of the last things Mark Twain ever wrote was The War Prayer, a ‘hold your horses” to those who use pulpits to inject the God of Battles into breasts burning with the holy fire of patriotism. And it goes: O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with hurricanes of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it---for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.” No, let’s give the Almighty a break and let him sit home and watch this one on MSNBC. Let us, rather, adopt the sheriff-and-outlaw metaphor put forward by President Bush in his “Dead or Alive” wanted-poster allusion. And in that spirit, and mindful of the feelings of patriotic atheist-Americans, who might soon be among those in foxholes, it occurred to me to offer a secular list of guiding principles, which we may, in the spirit of ecumenism, in the short-term substitute for the Ten Commandments and the Five Pillars of Islam and the Eight Tenants of Buddhism; and I am referring to the ten principles of Hopalong Cassidy. All members in good standing of the 1950s Hopalong Cassidy fan club received a certificate from Hopalong listing the directives of the cowboy creed. And they are: The
highest badge of honor a person can wear is honesty. Be truthful at all times. Your
parents are the best friends you have.
Listen to them and obey their instructions. If
you want to be respected, you must respect others. Show good manners in every way. Only
through hard work and study can you succeed.
Don’t be lazy. Your
good deeds always come to light. So
don’t boast or be a show-off. If
you waste time or money today, you will regret it tomorrow.
Practice thrift in all ways. Many
animals are good and loyal companions.
Be friendly and kind to them. A
strong, healthy body is a precious gift.
Be neat and clean. Our
country’s laws are made for your protection.
Observe them carefully. Children
in many foreign lands are less fortunate than you. Be glad and proud you are an American. And
so I offer the Hopalong Cassidy creed, from which one may derive some
measure of purpose in the days ahead, to godless-Americans, such as Penn
Jillette, who was kind enough to write me, when I recently left
employment, with the following message; “If you can’t find work with
all your talent and experience, then there is no god,” then added:
“Wait a minute---there is no god.”
(No
reproduction or rebroadcast without express written permission from the
Commissioner of Major League Baseball)
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